Dear J

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Dear J,

I met you 8 years ago at the line of movie cinema in the mall. Do you remember that day? You were a friend of a boy from my school who later became my boyfriend. We went to the Burger King and we talked for about 5 hours before the movie started. Yes..it was not a date. It was three of us hanging out. But it was just me and you talking about lots of things. We talked about anything from good old memories of Singapore to how babies look like alien. We went to watch a movie and we kept looking at each other in the movie theater as if we knew something was going on.

At coffee shop, we shared stories again. We exchanged phone number that day. The boy we both knew had disapproving looks and we both noticed but we had to get our numbers because we knew we were great together …as friends. Of course..as friends. At least that is what I thought at that time.

We talked every day online since that day for years. When we traveled to other countries, we sent e-mail with pictures and we shared memories of the travel. When we couldn’t get hold of computer we spent text messages through cell phone. It was almost like we were having a long distance relationship but we weren’t really officially going out and leading separate lives.

My feeling for you had grown over time and it was a strange thing for me to like someone who I only met for once for that briefly. I felt guilty for liking someone who was a friend of my ex boyfriend. It was a strange feeling to have. Does he feel the same way? How much can I trust what he says because after all everything he says is on cyber world.

I tried to visit twice but somehow you did not seem to want to see me much. It brought me back to reality. After all, you have only met me once and I am ex girlfriend of your friend not only that we do not live in the same country.

Even though we both led our lives having boyfriends of our own… I always thought of you in back of my head. I had boyfriends, flings and a crush but I always compared them with you.

When I went to the parties, drinking and clubbing, I couldn’t stop thinking about how I was going to tell you about the night I had to let you know I am like you. To tell you I am experiencing what you are experiencing too. I am party girl too. It was not really my thing at first… back in the days but it became part of me.

A lot of thing happened while we were a part. One of your girl friend you were dating thought I was your stalker and remember she and I got in a fight on your facebook wall?

When I finally got to see you for the 2nd time, it was little strange in a way. I kind of felt like I knew you for a long time at the same time, I did not know you. I felt really shy. It has been 5 years since that day we met. We went to eat sushi but I could not eat much. Nothing could go in to my throat because I was so nervous.

You said you had to change so I was alone once again. We went to the bar later on in the evening. We had few drinks and few kisses. I had to go of my feeling even though I knew you were still not completely broken up with your girlfriend but I had to tell you how I feel. You told me how you felt too. Same stupid reasons or was it just excuses of not wanting to be with me? I cannot tell. I am not sure.

You never seem to make effort to see me. Is it because you do not feel the way I feel? Or do you feel it is pointless to spend time with someone who you cannot be with right now?

I have decided it is time to move on long time ago, but I cannot seem to move on. It has been 8 years but nothing has changed.

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